We're starting 2020 with a bang (no pun intended) with the story of Three Penis Wine (also commonly called Three Penis Liquor). It's a drink so potent (again, no pun intended) that it supposedly acts as an aphrodisiac and "natural viagra".
Like what you've seen? We have it in writing as well!
China loves Spirits. The most popular by far is the national drink Baijiu, followed by Whisky, Brandy and Rum. But we’re not swimming in the mainstream today, no, sir-ee! We’re going to strange and even questionable corners of the Red Dragon.
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Alright! Visit any self-respecting grocery store in China and veer into the booze aisle. You’ll find Spirits with “added medicinal ingredients”: Mouse Wine has a dead Mickey floating in alcohol, and it supposedly clears up winds and improves blood circulation. Then, there’s Cobra Wine with an honest-to-god snake in it - also dead, hopefully. It should fix your eyesight and hair loss.
Then, there’s ‘Tezhi Sanbian Jiu’. Sounds delicious, right! Oh, sorry - it’s “Three-Penis Wine” in English... You heard us. This very real drink contains not one or two animal dongs, but three: one from a seal, one from a deer, and one from a dog.
We know it sounds like a plot from a 90s comedy starring Seann William Scott, but according to traditional Chinese medicine, it jacks up your libido and supercharges your... soldier. Sure, real players use tiger penis, but since it costs $5000, mere mortals have to settle with a $20 bottle of Three-Dink Drink.
Now, ‘Tezhi Sanbian Jiu’ is basically rice wine that has the three animal penises brewed into it. They also add ginseng and some herbs to it and bottle it at around 30% ABV. It tastes like Port wine that’s gone really bad, with notes of tangy vinegar and prune juice. Those who have tried it report that it’s easy to drink and even a bit sweet. So, not great, not terrible.
Smart people will say: “Okay, but why’s a three-dick wine better than a single-dick one?” Well, the penises from a seal and a dog are said to be therapeutic, but the superstar of this recipe is the deer penis. It allegedly helps your kidneys, strengthens your yang, and puts more lead to your pencil. You can take a guess which benefit is the one that sells.
Experts on such remedies say one should not binge on Three-Penis Wine. Young fellas aren’t supposed to use it at all, while older guys should drink only a tip - sorry, a sip. Apparently, it’s a very potent potion, but it’s not clear what calamity happens if you gulp it down at once. The things people do for a boner.
Even though this booze Viagra helps many a man, and even though it is a fun novelty to bring back from China as a souvenir, it’s also quite bad for the beasts in question. Wildlife conservation societies warn that claims about virility boosting is fake news and it only hurts animals. It’s not clear how many seals, deer, and dogs go into the production of Sanbian Jiu, but rhinos, whose horns are used in similar drinks for the very same purpose, are on the brink of extinction.
Now, we're not doctors, obviously. There are numerous anecdotes that support the penis enhancement claims, but science is pretty clear it's all wishful thinking and at best a placebo. We'd stick to dick- free Spirits, but if you tried the Three-Penis Wine, do tell us what it tasted like - or if it worked - in the comments below.
Cheers!
